This bigger person you make of me

A bigger person is truly bigger, with lots of spaces for forgiveness logs and second chances.

Let me paint you brief picture of the bigger person-

“minty-goodness at 24/7 ATM disposal. Always available for BS. First to reach out and seek retribution. First to ask for forgiveness and bridge that widening gap. First to smile at you the next morning after a night brawl. First to…”

So not me, definitely not this house address.

I can’t be the bigger person. I do not come from that long line of people keeping peace afloat.

Peace-benders. tueh!

Not like I’m actively withholding goodness and forcing my ajo agwa to the surface, but I don’t have any good to give. At the point of every offence, I’m always filled with so much brimming anger, hatred for the world and general bitterness to the end that sustains the first memories of the affront and runs till the end.

I wholeheartedly believe that humans are intentional, with their thoughts, words, and venoms. Like how a faceless homophobe ran to report my account to Facebook, and I got charged with counts of bullying and abuse. I would so love to write Mark Nsukkabread a long ass letter on how he is an effing hypocrite…

People do horrible things to other people, while banking on retarded terms like forgiveness and the bigger person. Backed by the faux assurance religion gives and a mumu claim maturity that smells, it is not uncommon to hear people use lines like:

To err is human, to forgive is divine

To the first line, I am quite elated to announce I am a puny human being with a human soul that can keep grudges for life. So when Rick Ross said “God forgives, I don’t”, he was paraphrasing the last conversation we had. Statements like this are not only faulty, they annoy the hell out of me. They absorb human beings of every fault and accompanying guilt, in the same way it does in the case of global warming. People should not walk around with the mindset that the worst or most they can do is to hurt people, or to be horrible humans simply because forgiveness exists as a side-piece. With no better way to say this, you are all you. You are solely in charge of your relations with people, your exchange, every goddamn thing. You have to sleep and rouse with the realization that manipulation and greed are not concepts to be discussed independently, without a human subject in sight. They are choices, things you choose to do or not. In fact, the focus here is not on choosing to do better, but on knowing that either side you choose, good or bad, is on you!

And in the same way you choose to irresponsibly be in charge of your actions and your thoughts, is the same way people can choose to irresponsibly withhold their resolve and forgiveness. Forgiveness should only feature at the last instance, at the point of retribution (after retribution sef), and not as something you expect people to wave in your face from the onset. People need to show remorse, and remorse is humbly admitting a fault and promising to do better, and doing better! This should be the anatomy.

Phew!

Although once in a while I have flashes, rare logical moments that I reflect on my actions and genuinely feel sorry. Sadly these moments hardly last longer that it takes you to pronounce schmuck before I go back to being your favourite Jezebel.

There, I said it. Now freedom take hold of me.